Harridan Hassle

I can't post this on Fbook, so....

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and

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Thanks. I feel better now.

Nutritionally unbalanced

I love cooking, and I do a lot of it. Proper home cooking with things that grew in the ground and stuff. I know my stepson F likes it when we have family dinners, and recently he's also started to really enjoy cooking with me, so I make a special effort when he's here to cook and eat something nice all together, and always make a big family roast on Sundays.

During his mid-week visit last week, as we busied ourselves in the kitchen making stuffed peppers, he said "I said to Mum and B [harridan sister] I wonder what I'll be having for dinner and they said I bet it will be something from the chip shop or the pub!"

This stung a great deal, not only because of the gross inaccuracy and unfairness of their comment, but also because The Harridans should not be making derogatory comments about my care in front of my stepson.

I know where it comes from - for 4 months this year I filled a senior interim post at County Hall which meant I was not getting home until around 6.15/6.30. When F comes for his mid-week visit, my partner the BFG has to drive him home around 6.45. So while I was doing that job, on the days F came, the BFG was generally going to the chip shop. This meant I didn't have to worry about cooking in a rush when I got home, and the BFG (who is not blessed with immense culinary gifts) didn't have to worry about cooking while looking after a 6 year old and a 3 year old.

However, apart from those FOUR MONTHS, during the rest of the past FOUR AND A BIT YEARS I have fed F an excellent balanced diet of home cooking - despite his resistance in the early days, since he wasn't used to that sort of thing.

So the snide comment hurt, and I was sorely tempted to write a note, but restrained myself. I also would have liked it if the BFG had shown his support for me by (a) defending me, and (b) asking them not to make such comments in future, but that never happens. They could stand outside our front door with a loudspeaker shouting "TUFTYCAT IS A FAT SLAG" and he'd still stay indoors for fear of 'upsetting them'.

Anyway. Last Saturday night F arrives for his weekend visit, and the first thing he says is "I'm really hungry, I haven't had anything to eat". Saturdays it's Mother Harridan's job to feed him; he always, without fail, arrives here starving. So the BFG texts Mother Harridan and enquires whether F has had anything to eat this evening.

The reply?

"He had a MacDonalds at 4.30 and a jam sandwich at 6.00"

Nothing to be said, really, is there?

Money and ethics

I still have not dealt with the lying thing, which runs thus:

It was Daughter Harridan's 18th birthday in early December. I had made clear to BFG my intention not to get her a present since, having been called a "fucking homewrecking scum" and "psycho bitch" in July I told her not to expect any further birthday or Christmas presents from me or my family until she could treat me with courtesy and respect. To which she replied (and I quote): "you can fuck off I dont want them anyway so get your head out your ass"

Two days before her birthday BFG is looking anxious and saying he hasn't got her anything yet, so, with some internal begrudging, I take pity on him and offer to meet him at Fosse Park one freezing evening, where I spend about 2 - 3 hours of my time helping him choose presents. Not sure exactly how much he spends but it's probably approaching £100. We're broke of course, but it's his money and his daughter, and it's her 18th, so I don't resent it.

However, it now appears the whole "I haven't got her anything" was some kind of ruse for my benefit, since he had in fact bought her a laptop. Without thinking it appropriate to mention it to me.

I haven't been supermarket shopping for a month, because I couldn't afford it. But the cupboards really were completely bare, so I told him I would have to go last weekend. But we hadn't got enough money for food, so we had to move money around in various accounts before I could go food shopping, and the rest went on my credit card.

Despite this, it's not really the money that I'm upset about. It's the lack of openness and honesty.

His foolhardiness in (a) spending that much money on ANYBODY when we don't have enough money coming in to live on, and Christmas approaching fast, and (b) spending that much money on someone who has in no way shape or form behaved in a way that warrants it, sadly fails to surprise me.

However, his dishonesty disappoints me.

Insult to injury? She texted him and told him she didn't think it was ethical to accept the presents as she wasn't in contact with us and felt he had spent too much money on her under the circumstances. He texted back and told her to keep them and enjoy them or take them back and keep the money.

I don't even know where to begin tackling this. I could pretend his son told me about the laptop I suppose, but I don't know where to start. It's eating away at me though, so I know I'll have to say something.

little white lies

Sick to death of being lied to. We had a conversation about this earlier this year, because he tells me white lies all the time. I told him that dishonesty was a dealbreaker for me, and he said he wouldn't do it any more.

I can't really say anything though - I only know he's lied to me because I looked at his phone, and I told him I wouldn't do that any more either. So we're just as bad as each other.

No gateaux involved, anyway.

The life of a cottager

Me: I love your earmuffs, F. Where did you get them?

F [my 6 year old stepson]: I got them in LONDON! [the venue for one of the 6 holidays his mother has taken him on so far this year]

Me: Wow, cool.

F: You don't like places like London. That's why you're called Tuftycat Cottage. You just like cottagey places.

Me: Who says that? [Knowing full well who said it; his horrible, nasty-piece-of-work big sister]

F: Ummmm.... anyway... what do you want for Christmas, Tuftycat?

Me: Oh, I don't know...

F: How about a voucher towards a holiday in Tenerife? [the venue for another of his 6 holidays so far this year]

Me: Well that's very kind of you but no thanks darling.

F: Why not?

Me: It's just not really my sort of place.

F: I know! How about London? You would like London! It is really good, Tuftycat!

Me: I have been to London before, you know, F.

F: [puffing chest out because he's been TWICE!] How many times?

Me: Well, I used to have a job that meant going to London twice a week. There are 52 weeks in a year, and I worked there for 4 years. So that would be at least 416 times, not counting all the times I've been for fun.

It really shouldn't feel that good to get one-up on a 6 year old, but the look on his face was priceless.

A couple of things I have noticed about men and boys

1. Men think cleaning the toilet means squirting some bleach down it. Trust me, I have known a lot of men and I have never yet met one who understands that you have to get a cloth or a cleaning wipe and actually clean under the seat and around the rim and down the pedestal. This despite the fact that, let's face it, it ain't the laydees who piss all round the rim and down the pedestal and quite often over the floor and surrounding area, is it?

2. When small boys are 2 years old they have a visit from an MI5 agent who trains them, every single one, in the special technique required to hoist yourself further up on a woman's lap, namely, by jabbing the sharp pointy part of your small boy's elbow with maximum force into the woman's breasts. This training is carried out in top secret, the mother/other female carer is not told, that would spoil the surprise.

This may be first in series, I'm sure there are many more.

In which I explore Parenting, Property and Petulance

His ex, who I privately think of as The Harridan, has had hysterics because he opened the front door of THEIR HOUSE (yes, he still jointly owns it and pays half the mortgage) and put a wee giftie inside for his undeserving daughter. He didn't set one foot inside but, cue a lot of abuse and swearing from Mother Harridan and Daughter Harridan (how dare you enter OUR HOUSE etc).

So now she is selling the house and moving to the other side of the county. In the short term this is going to be very very unpleasant, because The Harridan is capable of first class nastiness, not just a bit nasty but spiteful in the extreme, so she is going to make the process and outcome as uncomfortable for us as possible. I can see there are reasons for this, after 20 years together he ran off with a kooky poet, but her spite overtakes everything, including what is best for the children. There is no love lost between their daughter and me but she will be starting the final year of 6th form in September, in what way can it possibly be good for her to be uprooted at this point from the house she's lived in for as long as she can remember?

But who am I to judge, I have just the one child and I'm making a cock up of that. I asked my little boy the other day if I was a good mummy or a bad mummy and he said "bad mummy". This may be because I'd just shouted at him for throwing all the table mats and coasters all over the floor but it's how I feel a lot of the time, every other sentence starts with "Don't..." and when I'm on my own with him all day I just get frustrated, I don't do enough proper quality time with him on our days together, I just get bogged down in housework and then he starts playing up because I'm not giving him proper attention, who would have thought I'd be so bad at this after all those years desperate for a child?

So unpleasantness ahead with the house sale thing, it's going to get nasty and my partner (who I shall call the BFG) is ill equipped to deal with it, his default position when things go wrong is with his head in the sand sobbing about how much he misses his daughter, which doesn't help to move things forward. So I know there will be stress and after all the crap in January I can only hope our relationship is strong enough to cope. I started this blog because things were really bad and I needed an outlet, they are a lot better now, but I'm not going to pretend I/we have recovered, I'm still really struggling with frequent anxiety attacks and my trust in him has not fully returned.

In the long term I know the house sale will be good for us, if we can get through. We will have A LOT more money, both to live on month to month and to do up our own horrible house. Also if she moves to the other side of the county then contact arrangements with youngest stepson may change, this may be good from my perspective. I do love him (if I say that often enough then it must be true) but he is a very petulant child. Petulance is something you live with in your own child, in other people's children it is irritating.

Petulant child was supposed to be coming on summer holiday with us, but since BFG opened the door of HIS HOUSE The Harridan has changed her mind, there again, how can it be best for her son not to have the opportunity of a summer holiday with his dad? The BFG is a Good Dad, he does not beat or abuse his children, he does not drink or take drugs or commit any illegal activity, he reads stories and does jigsaws and goes on fun walks in all weather (usually to the pub, perhaps I should modify the bit about not drinking), he puts children on his shoulders when they get tired, he gives lots of cuddles, he changes nappies and cleans teeth. He fell in love with a kooky poet, he left and hurt a lot of people, but he has done his best to continue being a good dad, and believe me, Mother and Daughter Harridan have made it pretty difficult for him. They should wise the fuck up, there are a lot worse dads in the world.